Anyone out there?

 

Wow, I came across the blog recently and was perusing old posts, where I was when I started this blog some 10 years ago? 

So much has happened in these past years, but some have remained the same. I continue to make art, create, day dream. 

I have gone from an adult to a middle aged woman trying to find a place in the world that is aligned with who I am.

I continue to dream with a sabbatical, a break, a fugue...

I have a new pet soul mate, whose love fills my heart as much as my Shushu once did.

I also continue to journal, to write and write and write to empty out the thousand thoughts that cross my mind per minute.

I have not grown wiser and more knowledgeable with age. If anything, I realize more and more I know nothing.

One thing that's become more palpable with age is the fragility of life. How ephemeral and unexpected it is. Let's enjoy it, then.

The Pursuit of Happiness II

I seem to be writing here less and less. Honestly, like many of my hobbies and pursuits, I have a hard time being consistent.

I postponed my "exit plan". Nonetheless, I have not changed my mind. I have, however, struggled with freeing myself from the golden handcuffs. All the words of wisdom and responsibility keep popping on my head... leaving a good paying job, health insurance, benefits... all while, feeling like I am becoming soulless and more and more anxious about the lifestyle I am leading.

My therapist (whom I see on occasion for anxiety) has told me the "American Dream" can be a luring one that can get one astray from what's important in life. And I was glad he supported me on my plans to quit and take a year off for myself.

Aside from doing nothing and some elusive plans, I really do not have a definitive plan for my escape. Just that I want to feel free from the shackles that I feel hold me back right now.  I am also planning a backpacking trip to South America with my little brother. Aside from that, I just want to exist without plans or expectations.

I feel a bit crazy... how can someone have a good job, good pay, good benefits and feel so utterly dead inside? It seems that every step up the corporate ladder has left me more empty than the step below, but I still feel the pressure to be successful, to conform. And still I feel that I am not the conforming type and that I only have this one life to live...and what a shame it would be to live it under someone else's terms.

The Pursuit of Happiness

This is it. My quit-the-rat-race date has been set. 8 months from now.

I have a Plan A, B, C and D for what I will be doing to support myself, but almost all plans include one fundamental item: autonomy. Except for plan D. Because if it all fails, I can always get another job (Plan D). Considering that my original plan was to take a year off, the fact that I am now thinking about being my own boss is pretty amazing.

This year has been especially hard on us. My hubby could have been seriously hurt in an accident and almost lost his job, we lost both our senior fur babies, we saw a close family acquaintance pass in her early 50s and 3 months later her son suddenly passed, only 1 week after turning 40. My anxiety has gotten beyond control. 

I look at my life and recognize my mortality is an absolute certainty. Therefore, how do I want to exit it?

At first, I really thought I was going through a mid-life crisis (you know, soon turning 40 and all). I was missing my teens and the feelings I had then. 

I felt I was becoming the most boring adult. But what I was really going through was a shift of how I saw the world. How I saw success, career, money, consumer goods, health and expectations. And I realized in all this turmoil, the one thing I wanted was time. Time to live, time to do nothing, time to choose, time that was on my terms and my choices. 

I had to re-evaluate my concept of success and failure. I had to accept that my most important decisions came out of, not incessant research or preparations, but instinct. 

Now, now, instinct does not mean I have not looked at the risks, pro and cons and if this all absolutely fails or if I have to change my target date (life does tend to happen with little consideration for our plans). 

In the past 7 years, I have diligently saved money and paid off my debt. I have a low expense lifestyle. I have a spouse who shares similar views and desires (it is easier to change things as a team). I have saved about 2 years worth of expenses. 

I try not to think about it too much. Otherwise, I will tell myself how absolutely insane it is too leave a good paying job. But recently, when I was listening to a CD about our Declaration of Independence, that this feeling really hit me. The most unalienable rights I can grant myself are exactly the ones I feel and want in my heart:"Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness".  I want to live life to that standard, because otherwise, why bother?

The World without You

Shushu, you left and with you a piece of my heart is gone. Words will never be able to describe everything you mean to me: my friend, my companion, my confidant, my soulmate. The purest most Unconditional love I have ever felt. You gave me the most amazing 16 years and for that, I will be forever grateful. I hope I will see you again, because the world is a little less colorful without your grumpy face in it. I love you forever dear friend. 🐶💔 Ana

"I quit" day

It is 10am and South Florida's sun is scorching.

I sit in my car waiting to go see a client and there is no desire, passion, good will... Only dread and the knowledge I will have to put on a fake smile and pretend I care.

It was in this moment that I decided to put on my calendar a quit date. That's it. In 12-24 months I intend to quit my job. I have really know defined plan aside from the financial steps my husband and I set for our escape plan: pay off the mortgage, pay off his credit card, I want to have enough money saved  to cover 2 years of expenses.

Everything else is a possibility. It is scary and liberating at the same time. I am a planner, a ever recovering worrier, and safety is my second name. But I have also been looking at life from a very different perspective. From the perspective that life is absolutely finite. People die everyday and even if they live a long life, I am talking here we maybe have another 20 years of prime in our lives.

I really don't want to work my butt off to realize all the money I saved is going to prescription medication and that I am too old, too tired, or even too destitute to really live. I want to live now. Today. And the main drag in my life right now is work.

Althoug I am way too young to think about permanent retirement, I am not too young where I have my whole life ahead of me. I am in the halfway mark. And what if I die never having lived?

I understand that we are in a privileged position. We have no kids, I have no debt, and our carriers have been successful enough to allow us to save more than most people. I sometimes have a pang of guilt about doing what I feel is right but perceive as somewhat irresponsible, but the truth is everyone I know make decisions I would probably never make because it is better for them. Well, my instincts, more than my brain, have always been so right about the major decisions in my life and I can just go with my gut feeling now.

There is a certain peace in knowing this is not forever, that I am ok with saying "peace out" and not having any plan of what I may do after just that I need a break.

Time

Wow, It seems that every time I now come back to this little corner of the world, a year has passed. 

So much has happened in these past 9 months and if I am honest, most of it has been rather trying

The most painful is the loss of our beautiful Danielle. Last year, she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and it was a slow decline from there. She passed away in my arms while my husband and I rushed her to the ER... just 5 minutes from our house. That morning, I hugged and cried with her and gave her permission to leave this world. She waited for me to come home from work and gave me the gift of being with her, when she crossed the rainbow bridge at age 13.

The above photo was taken just 1 week before her passing in April, and it hurts raw still. We miss her everyday.

Our Sparky is still here. In July, he will be celebrating his 16th birthday and I thank the heavens, because I know everyday together is a blessing and a gift.

We visited Costa Rica in February and although a beautiful country, we were not able to enjoy it. Danielle was sick, my husband's work had turned into hell and things were just not in a  good place.

We adopted a new friend. Her name is Bonita and she is 6 years old.

Everything else has been... trying. I come to a place where I absolutely despise my work, but find myself having to wait a couple of more years before parting from it.

Our 5 year plan is still under way. My husband is also at a place where he can no longer put up with the callousness of our corporate careers and also dream with the moment we can say goodbye.

I have also envisioned a plan of where I may want to be, but I have to say, it has been almost unbearable to continue on. My consolation is to know that this will not go on for much longer. 

We have realized that life is so finite, so fragile, and we want to live and enjoy while we still can. The corporate world is eating my soul.

is there something called time?

wow, has it really been almost 1 year since I posted here? Is time really that fleeting or is it an illusion of the senses?

It has been an amazing, if not sometimes difficult, year. I have traveled, I have painted, I have doodled, I started ballet, I have dreamed.

My husband and I are now much more focused on our 5 year plan. We really want to stop working, if not entirely, enough where we are not completely dependent on it. I guess I will write more about it another time.

I think I missed this, missed this blog many times in my desire to find people who understand how out of place I sometimes feel, and how absolutely wonderful the world continues to be.

Hope to come back soon.

The Complex Personality of Creative People

Source: artmagazinesa

Hello all, the blog will be going through some major overhaul and might be out of commission for about a month.

As I continue on this path of self-discovery, this blog has become much more than a manifesto for art and introversion. The blog is becoming more of a manifesto for all who somehow realized they are a bit cooky, quirky or maybe just off-grid. 

Special, unique, weird, quiet, sensitive, highly sensitive, artsy, creative, renaissance person, shy, and all who somehow don't fit into the mold, be it by orientation, religious beliefs, or the need to focus on life, family, friends, as opposed to things. This blog has become a manifesto to all of those who want life a little less empty, stressful, anxious... for the wanderers...

For all of you creative friends...

Check out this article: the-complex-personality-of-creative-people

The Winners are

Yeah, so the winners of the painting are:

Els
Annette
Diane
Kathy

There is just one disclaimer: Sparky decided to add his own artistic interpretation of the paintings and grabbed them with his teeth from the desk.... I promise that once framed you cannot see it.

That's his attempt at looking guilty, but I don't think he feels guilty at all...

to give is to receive

I have some ideas of things I want to share with you in 2015. As this blog's focus changes, as my life changes, I want to share them with you. Many of you have touched my life in so many ways.... with kind words, with presence, and some with a deep spiritual connection, even though our physical bodies never met.

But first, I wanted to share something else. Above are 4 original watercolors that I wanted to give to you. Leave a message and I will draw names next weekend on the 21st.

Much love and enjoy your weekend.

From thought to truth

When I was 9 years old, I approached my dad and said: "one day I will leave home to live in another country." Well, I don't think my dad took me very seriously....

When I was 10, I used to picture my apartment would have a glass wall.

As I grew older, "leaving" was always a theme in my life. I desired to know different places, to live in different countries. I didn't have a thought out plan about this, but it was always there.

In the past several months and many bouts with anxiety, soul searching, etc., I realized the feelings I was having were not bad. On the contrary, they were a manifestation that I wanted something different for my life. So, I started my 5 year escape plan.

Today, as I look at the goals I set for 2014, and see they have been met, that I started to think about that 9 year old little girl who told her dad she was leaving the country one day... That little girl has lived in 3 different countries. That little girl lived in the Amazon region for 9 years. 

I also looked at the wall in our abode and it struck me: we have a glass wall in our living room, just like I imagined when I was little.

Jobs that I wished for, moves that I desired... all the things I thought about and that were good for me have become. In some way, they have made their way to my life.

It is also true that I wished for things that didn't come... I wished for relationships to work, for new jobs, who never came to fruition and in hindsight, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Our thoughts have power beyond our comprehension...really. I think about what I want to do at the end of my 5 year plan and I decided I honestly do not know. I just know that I want to take a year off to be and hopefully during this time, find the calling that I know it's in my heart, but that the cacophony of the world has made it hard for me to hear.

So just wish, dream, visualize, hope... don't be jaded by world so that you do not believe in miracles anymore.

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Traveling Sketchbook

So according to my beloved hubby, it is official: I suck.

I FINALLY went ahead and generated the winner of our book and it is Magic Love Crow

The book will be traveling to her shortly and I wanted to thank everyone who participated and had the patience to deal with me these past months.

xoxoxoxoxo

High on Life

I have thought really hard about life and more and more have come to the realization that the older I get, the more fearful I am getting. Not cautious, which is good and comes with wisdom, but down right BORING.

I look back in my life and one of the things I was always proud of is that I tried things. I camped in the Amazon forest, I packed a bag and moved to England. But as a I grew older, all of a sudden, I became really afraid of dying.

I understand that as we get older, we feel less invincible and realize our bones break and our hips may not mend as fast. But I don't want to become someone who is so conservative to the point I stop living.

So here is my own personal challenge: do 1 thing I have never done or would normally never do at least once a month.

I started with the Miami Color Run, which happened last weekend and I would generally not do. But honestly, it was a blast!

What would you like to do that you have never done before?

The Misunderstood Introvert

Shushu pre-haircut

Shushu post-haircut

Destin, FL- Navarre Beach 43 degrees 

Ballet ballet ballet

I haven't completely abandoned the blog, but I swear things have been so insane and I am traveling so much that even blogging seems to be too much at the moment.

But what brought me to blog today was how sometimes the medical community seems to be a bit misinformed about us: introverts, HSP... I went to see a psychiatrist for my anxiety. This is someone who has seem me for almost 4 years now. I told him I wanted to go back on medication because I was having a hard time managing my anxiety with just meditation, ballet, etc. 

Then, I went to to tell him I understood what my real issue was: that I was an introvert working in an extremely people oriented carrier: I am traveling a lot, I do presentations to sometimes 500 people in 4 days, and I am constantly dealing with people's medical issues. I said that this overwhelmed my brain and I felt so depleted. Now, I have a good relationship with this guy and he knows I worked in counseling in the past, so knows I have a good grasp on mental health... but he asks me if I had ever taken a stimulant drug such as Adderall.

I immediately repplied: I do not have ADHD! 

This scared me a little. Not for me, because I have a good understanding of mental illness and my own triggers, but because what if another introvert and/or highly sensitive person goes see a medical professional because their brains are in overdrive and they get prescribed Adderall???? How many introverts and/or HSP get prescribed medication instead of guidance?

I am not saying some introverts do not need medication, a lot of people do, but I also know that if I worked alone or in an environment with less stimuli, I would be a lot less anxious. I traded off careers that made me happier and were more rewarding for careers that I kind of liked but that paid a lot more. Now, that's my choice, a trade off that I made, but it did not come without consequences and I understand them. But a lot of people out there do not and get type cast with a mental illness. 

The second misconception was when I mentioned to him that I was back to ballet. He said "great, socializing is very good." I understand that he wanted to make sure I am not isolating myself, but honestly that's exactly what I need because I am with people about 50 to 70 hrs a week and I am EXHAUSTED because of it. So I didn't get into the fact that I was looking into going to central florida to a log cabin for 2 days without nobody, just me.

That's why I feel this blog is important. I never felt as though I was a misfit growing up because my whole family is like me. My mom, my dad, my brother (who probably is the most introverted of us). We never liked guests over, we liked routine, and many times we each went to our rooms and talked to each other around a movie, meal times, etc. My parents never forced us to visit relatives, participate in holiday parties or to socialize. But when I moved to Florida, as an adult, certain expectations became more apparent and being an introvert became more of a problem as people could not understand my need to be alone.

Solitude is not anti-social behavior. Grieving is not depression. Over stimulation is not generalized anxiety disorder. 

Not everyone is driven by money, not everyone see success as by many awards one receives, some like the internal reward of a life lived in truth.

P.S. I have not proof read this... 

For a Simpler Life

I have mentioned here before my 5 year plan to quit the rat race. Honestly, the end of the 5 year plan can't get here soon enough. This morning, I was at my wit's end and my feelings of anxiety soared like an exploding volcano. 

I have come to accept that my anxiety is not necessarily a mental illness, but the bi-product of 3 things: my introversion and need for down time to think and recollect; my being highly sensitive and more susceptible to life's stressors; and my need for nature/spiritual balance.

I will talk more about on how I plan to achieve this milestone in my life. At the end of that 5 year goal, I plan on taking a year off work. I want to always work, but I want to work on something that better matches my personality and I have settled on independent contractor for the field where I already have experience on.

My first step towards that goal was to get rid of any debt such as credit cards, student loans, etc. I never really had that much debt to start with and I paid for most of my education. But last year, I was able to pay-off the last of my student loans. 

I also never had much in form of credit card debt and only had one credit card for many years with a low credit line which I paid off every month. I still pay off my credit card in full and never buy anything I cannot pay off.

I own my car outright, so I do not have a car payment. It is a small car, simple car and I get an average of 34 miles per gallon. I drove my prior car for 10 years and had over 140,000 miles on it. It ran great. A friend now has it.

Our biggest goal now, my husband's and mine, is to pay off our mortgage. Now, I know not all people can do this. My hubby and I are DINKS (dual income, no kids), so that makes things just a bit easier for us. Being childless was a choice we both made a long time ago. Therefore, I would not be able to plan if we did have a kid. They just sound expensive. 

Once these main goals were more or less defined, I needed to write down what was really important to me and how much it would cost. Therefore, I was able to determine what kind of career I could have that would provide what I wanted that money buys and would give me in terms of time that I need.

This is the list I came up with:

1. My 401(k): to be able to contribute to a 401(k) account is an absolute must for me. I want to enjoy life now, but I am also cognizant that I will need money when I am old.
2. Health insurance: although most of my medically related expenses are a direct result of the life I now live, I still know how much a hospital bill can cost. I am lucky that this is the industry I specialize in so it is not overwhelming to navigate through plans and know exactly what kind of financial exposure I would get with each plan.
3. Savings account: a healthy savings account for an emergency
4. My mom: my mom never worked outside the home and I help her financially. To be able to continue to do that is something I consider very important.
5. Any other expenses: car insurance; phone (which I would probably switch to a pay buy minute plan instead of the expensive unlimited plan I now carry)
6. pursuit of happiness: this is anything I happen to take on it terms of activities that make me happy: watercolors, dance.

As I look at life, at how fragile and ephemeral it is, I realize my soul cannot eat money.

Madness, Mindfulness and other Random Thoughts

First, I want to apologize for all who participated in the Women's Circle Traveling Journal. I completely dropped the ball. The book is back in my hands and I was supposed to send it to 2 other participants and I have just not had the time. My work has been all consuming, insane. I will be in 3 different states in the next 3 days...you get the picture.

Second, my anxiety has come back and any free minute I have found has been spent on my couch in pure exhaustion... I know. I hate to make excuses, but it's been tough.

Third, I have been trying real hard to stay positive, to do my mindful meditation, but the world seems to have gone just a little bit insane. Between diseases, chaos, and psycho behavior, I have to say this introvert's brain is MAJORLY scattered and I am having a hard time collecting even the most rudimentary thoughts.

The one escape has been the ballet. I went back to taking adult lessons and it has allowed me not to succumb into madness with the rest of the world. I am starting pointe training and this is such an accomplishment for me.

Love you all, miss you all and hope that very soon I will be shipping the book to the rightful owner.

The Nostalgia of Illusion

These past months have been the most rewarding and also the most painful... It has been the most insurmountable path I have taken so far.

It is the slow realization that most of the life sold to me was nothing but an illusion. The career, money, status... it means nothing. It is the going back in time, when life seemed so complicated, but was actually so full. It is going back when the running in the rain was the most outrageous thing a girl could do. It is the feeling of being alive. The first moments you understand who you are and fall in love with being yourself.

These are some of the things I want to live for.

Continued path into my 'quit the rat race' adventure.

Step 1: get rid of debt - Check :)

The Way of Things

These past months have been extremely difficult for me. Not difficult because something happened, but because being an introvert can be a gift, but also a curse.

As an introvert, introspection is a given, and the fact that I know and understand my feelings to a level I cannot ignore them, can be a daunting task.

However, this can also mean change. I read recently that a feeling of dread is a message from the universe (or from my big brain) that something is not right. That there is a reason for this feeling. And I have come to the conclusion that modern life has made me sick. The constant input of technology coupled with the fact that I have a VERY social demanding job have taken its toll on my personality type. My job entails dealing with people's problems all the time and their constant wants drain me. My anxiety has returned and I am doing everything I can to manage it. But you probably know, it is not easy!

Now this is not a blame game. I like and I chose my career path, but I am also mature enough to know it is not working for me. What I envisioned as a young woman, as a climber of the corporate ladder just turned out not being fulfilling at all. And honestly, it is exhausting.

This leads me to the way of things...or as things stand right now. As most people, I can't just up and leave. Nor can I tomorrow, condemn society and its dependency of currency that has no intrinsic value and move to the jungle. But I can make choices that will bring me closer to what I feel is a good compromise.

I have a 5 year plan. In 5 years, I want to quit the rat race. I will not stop working, but I want to work on something that gives me more flexibility and more time. It is amazing how many people I talk to who also feel completely burned out, overworked, stressed and down right unhappy.

Maybe I will share some of the steps I am taking to achieve this goal, but I do intend to stop by your blogs. I have missed you all and really appreciate your support.

The Perspective of Things

Still learning about this perspective things. Fascinated with Old City (or Cidade Velha in Portuguese) in Belém. Built in the 1600s, baroque architecture, and portuguese tiles.