Tuesday, May 30, 2017

The Pursuit of Happiness II

I seem to be writing here less and less. Honestly, like many of my hobbies and pursuits, I have a hard time being consistent.

I postponed my "exit plan". Nonetheless, I have not changed my mind. I have, however, struggled with freeing myself from the golden handcuffs. All the words of wisdom and responsibility keep popping on my head... leaving a good paying job, health insurance, benefits... all while, feeling like I am becoming soulless and more and more anxious about the lifestyle I am leading.

My therapist (whom I see on occasion for anxiety) has told me the "American Dream" can be a luring one that can get one astray from what's important in life. And I was glad he supported me on my plans to quit and take a year off for myself.

Aside from doing nothing and some elusive plans, I really do not have a definitive plan for my escape. Just that I want to feel free from the shackles that I feel hold me back right now.  I am also planning a backpacking trip to South America with my little brother. Aside from that, I just want to exist without plans or expectations.

I feel a bit crazy... how can someone have a good job, good pay, good benefits and feel so utterly dead inside? It seems that every step up the corporate ladder has left me more empty than the step below, but I still feel the pressure to be successful, to conform. And still I feel that I am not the conforming type and that I only have this one life to live...and what a shame it would be to live it under someone else's terms.


Jeanie said...

I know exactly how someone can have a good job with good pay and good benefits and feel utterly dead inside because I did. I was lucky I was old enough to retire early and still receive social security and I could take my health care with me. Not everyone is able.

All I can advise is to keep at your plan, save when you can, keep your eye on the prize and find things that give you joy and grab them whenever you can, whether it is a lovely day, time to paint, dinner with a friend. When you set a specific time and day you will find the time does indeed go faster.

Thinking of you.

Sketchbook Wandering said...

I don't think you are alone, at all. Lucky are the people who have jobs that are artistic and creative. But they usually don't pay much...
Good luck with your decision. It takes courage to even think about this.

Is that your painting? It is very very lovely.

Magic Love Crow said...

I'm wishing you all the best! You are not crazy!! You are thinking of you!!