Wednesday, June 26, 2013

It's Easier in First Class...

I made it. I went and came back. Alive, but not without scars.

Let's start this tale at the TSA security check point. Believe me, the last thing I want is to be concerned about some terrorist on my flight. I am already freaked out about flying without the added help. Therefore, I am very happy to see TSA at work. I do, however, draw the line at body cavity checks that are not followed by a dinner invitation. AND they could be nicer to people. They could do some New Kids on the Block choreography. Or since I am in South Florida, Menudo would be totally acceptable, even appropriate. It would make my experience of stripping, without the bonus of dollar bills in my pants, more pleasant.

Then,  I realized that even though I made it to the airport alone without vomiting, crying, or running back home and hiding under my bed, I could not face my first solo flight without being *SLIGHTLY* impaired. Therefore, I headed to the bar and sipped one Heineken... then another. Feeling happily intoxicated, I went back to my gate and found out my flight was canceled due to airplane maintenance. Which really is aviation lingo for: "this aircraft can fall out of the sky."

So my nice, short flight to Charlotte, NC became a longer flight to Philadelphia and the beginning of what I am now calling "The Twilight Zone Experience." Landing in Philly, I am told by an impersonal pilot that it is lightning, there are no workers on the tarmac, no gates available and several flights are delayed, cancelled, etc., and all that pleasant stuff that makes you wonder why the hell you did not take the train. That 2 second message translated into 2 hours sitting on the tarmac with no food, no water, and no getting up either.

Now, I don't know about you, but I get gassy on planes. Not just a little bloated, no. I get bloated to the point unbuttoning my pants become more than just something I do, but something that's necessary for my guts not to explode.

The unpleasantness about being gassy on a plane is not just the pain and discomfort. It is the realization your physic's teacher lied to you. I clearly remember him saying that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. He apparently failed to disclose this well known physic's law does not apply to commercial aircrafts' coach seats. The proximity with other equally uncomfortable passengers, prevents one from farting in peace, but allows you to smell their stomach contents when they burp.

Alas, I land in Indianapolis a mere 10 hours after my original landing time. I go to sleep, take care of business and head back to the airport. Sans mind altering substances and feeling very confident that I will make it home at around 10pm, my flight gets delayed due to MAINTENANCE!!

I make to Charlotte some 3 hours late and wait for my connecting flight. Now also delayed. But I was flying first class on this leg due to all the issues I went through before. And damn, was I excited to fly first class. It is true what they say about first class. Life is better in first class. There is room for your ass. They offer you drinks with a smile and there is food too. This is not a myth. I saw it with my own eyes. And I have to confess: it is much easier to fart in first class.

24 comments:

turquoisemoon said...

That's the funniest daggum story I've heard in a long time...hahaha!!! Will be thinking about you and your flight all night. Thank you for sharing...

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Brava to you for surviving all that! And for farting in First Class. You struck a blow, so to speak, for all of us poor oppressed economy class schlubs with gas! I salute you.

Plowing Through Life (Martha) said...

Hahahaha...Ana, you always put a smile on my face. I will never be able to board a plane again without picturing everyone full of gas :)

You did make it, though, so congrats!

poetlandia.com said...

You did it! Difficult, no doubt. But you did it!

Yay you!

Kathy, PaperPumpkin said...

Oh my gosh, Ana! I am belly laughing AND feeling like I never want to fly EVER again! I hate to fly. I hate airport delays...ugh. I think I will forget about flying to Chicago for a vacation in the big city. A drive out to the Finger Lakes and wine country is more like it! Anyway, I said prayers for your safety...but maybe I should have said some for Maintenance delays, too! Sorry! Haha

Creatively yours Fi said...

too funny Ana :)Hilarious!!! Good on you though for overcoming so many hurdles..you must be so proud of yourself. I must admit I only flew first class when I was 6 months pregnant (enough said) I loved it too! And I don't mind a tipple or three..it certainly helps calm my nerves :)x

Magic Love Crow said...

LOL! Ok, I can't stop thinking about the farting! LOL! Congrats on the flying experience!!

tinajo said...

Haha - too funny! :-D

But hey, you made it!

http://tinajoathome.com/

Sherri B. said...

Not only did you make it, but your sense of humor is fully intact, too! lol...this made me laugh, Ana. I'm so sorry for all the grief you had to go through! I have to fly in November...I sure hope I don't have a similar experience with all the delays, etc...!!

gigihawaii said...

I am so glad hubby is flying with me in August. Hope our flights aren't postponed or canceled. See you and your spouse for dinner in Miami, Ana!

Japolina said...

Sounds like a nightmare. Glad you were able to add humor to it!

Japolina said...

Sounds like a nightmare. Glad you were able to add humor to it!

Lois said...

what an experience! You must feel incredible to be home. My worst time flying was with 3 small children from Toronto to Vancouver. Long before the era of cavity checks. Take care! L

Optimistic Existentialist said...

LOL this made me laugh out loud in my office. Loved this post my friend. This is why I don't fly!!

Jeanie said...

It's a horrible nightmare, and yet somehow you had me laughing and I thought, "I shouldn't be laughing at Ana's plight" because I knew if it was mine I would be insane by then. But what a writer you are, and what a gift to be able to turn an absolutely frightful experience into good humor and terrific writing.

I so applaud your courage. And trust me -- there ARE bad flights. But they aren't ALL that way. The next one will be great!

Arkansas Patti said...

What a delightfully funny post--though I am sure it wasn't so funny at the time. I would have taken the first rejection by the airlines as a omen and stayed grounded.
Way to go, beating your demons. Proud of you.

Riot Kitty said...

If I keep laughing my coworkers will wonder if I need help. OMG! "I do, however, draw the line at body cavity checks that are not followed by a dinner invitation." Priceless! Glad you made it :)

Gloria in CA said...

Glad you were able to "endure" this airplane trip. Me, NEVER. I am afraid of heights and especially planes, so I guess I will never go anywhere. It does sound like there were hard times involved, but look on the bright side, you are getting over your fear of flying. Yay! Nice to see you.

CraveCute said...

Oh I feel your pain!! LOL, you poor thing! I had the pleasure of flying first class a few times, and it is so much nicer!! I hate flying now, just going through security and all the hoopla is such a long and degrading experience. I always get pulled for the special treatment, pat down or the little air jet thing.

Almost Precious said...

Glad to see you didn't lose your sense of humor through that ordeal. If anything, I think it has sharpened it. :D

Flying is no longer as enjoyable as it was 30 or so years ago when coach seats were not squeezed so close together and the flight attendants were gracious and attentive.
I now find I would rather make a trip by car than fly and will only board a plane if I have no other options.

Michaela said...

Oh dear.. adventures..

Ileana said...

Oh, take me flying with you next time! lol I think we could make the best out of any situation, although I would be drinking wine, not Heineken (or "green lizards," as some South Floridians call them)...and if you get gassy, well...I'd be happy to sit in coach for the duration of the flight. :)

Francie M said...

Could you hear me laughing? I almost fell off my chair when I read the part about airline seats and your physics teacher. This is just too much hahahahahahaha! I've never flown 1st class and now I'm not so sure I want to!!! :)

Jenny said...

Oh my gosh Ana... what an experience.... but first class does sound wonderful... I am yet to try it... and yes... you made me smile too lol...

Jenny ♥