Monday, July 1, 2013

Is this all there is to it?


I have to confess some things here. I have been thinking very hard about why I started blogging and why I needed to step away for a while.

A blog visitor once told me that it was nice to come here and "see" someone who was real, as opposed to someone who portrayed this perfect life. Truth is, I stepped away from the blog because I am once again dealing with a somewhat debilitating depression and generalized anxiety. Yep, I was diagnosed about three years ago, right after my parents' separation and my uncle's death. And it's been a struggle ever since.

The one thing though is that I don't think I am sick. I honestly think my brain - or any human brain- is not equipped to deal with modern life. I spend over half of my awake time in an office, putting up with unreasonable people (today, more than all other days, as I was yelled at by someone who was borderline psycho). The pressures of modern society are to me unreasonable and overwhelming. Couple that with my perfectionism and people pleasing tendencies and you get me... A complete basket case.

But the more I look around, I find that I am not the only one who feels consumed by life but not by living. My hubby and I are really trying to align our lives as to simplify things, to downsize, and to put ourselves in a position where we do not have to succumb to so much pressure...

What about you?

34 comments:

Gloria in CA said...

Life is ups and downs Ana. Been there done that. The way I see it, life is too important to worry about what others think. I must say though, that due to someone "stalking" or unwanted and annoying actions by an anonymous commentor, I've had to start shutting down my blog. I cancelled my Twitter account and I'm actually thinking of deleting my blog and starting a new one and not use my name. Life can be hectic sometimes, but hey,I'll sip my lemonade and go on.:) Take care of yourself and look on the bright side of things.

poetlandia.com said...

oh I am so with you!

I have been doing some deep thinking about life lately.

I am going to be back with a longer comment, because I think I need to re-read this when I'm not quite so tired. So for now I'll just say that I've struggled with both of them (depression and anxiety) and I have some similar thoughts about modern life.

I'm 100% with you. Back tomorrow!

Palomasea said...

I hear you so loud and clear.
Understand totally and completely...sending a virtual hug...and wishes for joy and harmony.
Please keep making art...and know that you and your blog are a source of great light and inspiration for many....
Bless you...the very best wishes to you...
Hugs,
- Irina

Creatively yours Fi said...

Yes Ana I totally understand EXACTLY what you're saying. I'm not working in that insane environment...I just can't cope with it but the flip side to that is no money though...And I'm feeling the pinch at the moment :( I was just daydreaming that I wish I had more money (to pay bills etc)and could just do what I love. I'm sorry to hear about your depression. I'm suffering a bit from anxiety at the moment.It sux!! I enjoy following your blog so don't stop posting x

Analog Girl said...

What you write in this post makes so much sense to me. I totally agree. I have been making a big effort to find out what really moves me and to remember who I am, in the middle of this agitated modern life. Just need to take a deep breath.
It doesn't look so hard if we think about it.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Simplifying life is always a good thing and a worthy endeavor. I have been working on that as well. But We would really really miss your blog if you stop blogging...

Arkansas Patti said...

I do hope you don't stop blogging. If nothing else, it is a great escape valve.
The people around me make me happy, the headlines give me grief.
I do hope you find a comfort that doesn't include not posting.

Kalei's Best Friend said...

I so understand you.. My son has anxiety issues... which has manifested into OCD tendencies... this is concurred by my daughters as well as my family therapist... and I also think he may have been born w/anxiety issues... I noticed it when he was a baby... its unbelievable and sad...and the fact his dad is no longer w/us may play a part... He slowly has dropped out of college, does not socialize... he recently realized how he has wasted 3 years of his life... I could go on and on and I am sure you would understand the details..
Do what u feel u need to do to get things in perspective... that is all I can do w/my son as well.

Lois said...

I left my full time job in April, and have been healing ever since. It was a toxic environment and I witnessed a lot of employee abuse. It has been difficult, because we depend on my income to 'round' out the family finances, but absolutely worth it. I stopped drinking in May, which has been a big thing for me, and feel that I have taken back my life. Soon I will start a part time job in retail, in my community. Ana, blogging is what we make it. I love your thoughts and your art. I think it is a good forum to mull life, and I have learned so much from the many blogs I read. You must take care of yourself, though. :) Lois from Ontario

Caffeine Girl said...

You are SO not alone. As a special education teacher, I can tell you that I am a different person in the summer -- when I'm not working 10 or more hours a day. American employers are getting rich by placing an unreasonable burden on those of us doing the real work.

You are on the right track. My partner and I are also working on how we can get away from insane jobs by downsizing. Right now, we are getting rid of furniture and other things so that we can move into a smaller house in the next few years.

I'm thinking that depression/anxiety are often logical responses to a crazy world!

Plowing Through Life (Martha) said...

"... consumed by life but not by living..." That is very profound. And that is what most of us are doing. In the past few years since we moved to a smaller city, I try to disconnect from daily life as often as I can to completely unwind and regain my balance. Photography, gardening, day trips, nature trails, parks, being near the water...all this does me some good. We need to stop and smell the roses once in awhile.

turquoisemoon said...

"Meditate", she says in a preaching voice. hahaha

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Depression, anxiety and modern life all suck. Try to keep your own special song in your heart and keep making art! You are definitely not alone.

Sara said...

Life is changing and so we need to learn how to deal with life and the changes it brings. I understand you. I wish you would keep writing and making your art, because I think this will help you to overcome these things that surround you. Two years ago I lost my grandpa, and the friendship of my best friend. It was hard. It's still hard but at the same time I believe that what makes us real, comprehensive and above all better persons is this ability to struggle and keep on, for the people whom we love.

So my dear, be the person you wish to be and struggle; struggle hard and don't let anything stop you, for you are an artist, a great artist and above all you are a person whom passed throw a lot but still survives.

Lots of kisses *(:
Sara

Japolina said...

Hope you feel better soon!

Francie M said...

Retirement. But even that takes a lot of adjustment. Life ain't easy (as the saying goes) but lots of people are in your corner, Ana!

Jeanie said...

I'm sorry you are dealing with the depression -- I have (and sometimes do still) and know how challenging it can be. Just know that you aren't alone and have friends here and elsewhere.

I must confess, I'm so eager to say farewell to work world. It's the people, not the work... I feel for you.

Cristiane Marino said...

Oi Ana,

Depressão não é brincadeira... eu já tive e foi muito difícil. Mas foi uma experiência enriquecedora, pois fui transformada. Fiz várias mudanças em minha vida. O primeiro passo é aceitar o fato e fazer o tratamento.
E à medida que vamos sentindo mais força, vamos fazendo as mudanças necessárias.
No consultório, acompanho muitos casos, e invariavelmente os pacientes reconhecem que ao final do tratamento sentem que saíram da depressão melhores do que entraram.
Desejo que você se recupere totalmente e que possa usar essa experiência para ter uma vida que te traga sentido.
Bjs

Riot Kitty said...

Hang in there! I have totally been there, and I hate it when they describe people like us as "high functioning." There are definitely things that trigger those, and work situations may be among them. I hope you feel better soon.

gigihawaii said...

I hear you, Ana. My husband quit his job on Monday for cause. This is a hard time for us. Take care.

foxysue said...

Sometimes we want to shy away from this place,(blog) when life gets heavy and it often does! That's okay we can just Be, that's what I'm doing right now, Be-ing, waiting for the season to turn. I have wanted to just let it all go the blogging but when I have hung-in and return I see that this is the one place I can find people who will offer heart-warming encouragement and when I think about it I feel so grateful for these ones.

So take as long as you want, warm hearts will always be here to cheer you on your path...!

Hugs

alteredstatesstudio said...

my husband and i were just talking about this last night- we get so consumed by life, that we forget to take time for us; between the jobs, kids and commitments- it is easy to get lost. we too have been working through parts of the house to simplify- less stuff, more just us. so you do not need to apologize- your loyal listeners will listen whenever you want....:) no expectations tied with commitment...just your thoughts on life when you want, on your time schedule. you need to take care of you, Ana.

Magic Love Crow said...

We all go through things in life and you have to find your way! I do a lot of meditating with my stones and burn a lot of sage. My gardening and painting takes me to another place. Find your smile within your soul and keep hold of it! Maybe it's within your art? I wish you all the best! Big Hugs ;o)

LAUGH AN said...

thks to all your comment...don't loose your courage yeah hold on!

Sherri B. said...

I completely understand what you say...our society has become too plugged in. There is no down time for our spirits to replenish themselves. This epidemic is doing none of us any favors...I'm sending you good thoughts, Ana. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life and it's a big battle. I dearly love your blog, your thoughts, and your art, by the way...whether you choose to leave or stay, I just wanted to mention that. :) xo

Maria said...

First I would like to thank you for your visit to my blog and your comment. I appreciate it. I'm not good with advice...I deal with hard times through art, expression, crying, crying more and just keep going, I try to keep things simple, go day by day and stay in the moment.
Stay strong. You are absolutely right when you say you are not the only one. Life is a challenge and a constant changing movement. we must roll with it and work with it and change along with it. Live, Love, Learn. Thank you again for your visit. Stay strong.

Almost Precious said...

Ana take all the time you need. Life is full of too many demands, too much distractions and sometimes it would be nice if it could have a "mute" button to it. Unfortunately it doesn't and we have to endure the thorns in order to smell the rose.
Take care dear "Butterfly". :)

poetlandia.com said...

Hi Ana, Sorry for the absence from here. Life got in the way, ironically. And still is.

So I'm popping in to simply say that I care, that I believe every one of us goes through periods of depression and anxiety due to the way we now live, as you so aptly put it.

Please take good care of yourself and know that there are many of us out here in the blogosphere who care about you. Including me. :)

womanbread said...

I hear you and empathise with you completely, Ana. I've been going through and working through some 'stuff' too, hence my long absence from commenting on your wonderful and beautiful blog.

Peaks and valleys, as the saying goes.

Ana, please just know that you are cared about by so many. Whether you choose to blog or not, keep creating the beautiful art that you always have been. And take care and be kind to you, Ana, and do what's good and what's best and what feels right for you - that, I have finally learned (I too am a life-long 'people pleaser'), is so very, very extremely and vitally important for your own inner peace of mind, your heart and your spirit.

Keep on keepin' on, Ana.

Kyra Wilson said...

I feel this way often. I'm acutely aware of trying to make my life about life, rather than the motions. I want to be present. The idea of being at the end of things and having missed it all is downright terrifying for me. Balancing all that along with the ups and downs that come with the daily demands of what simply is, isn't easy. I struggle a lot as well.

So, *hugs*

Ileana said...

I totally hear you and get you. I've had several blogs and not because I'm fickle but because I'm real, I allowed my blogging world and real world to collide so I was found by those who used what I wrote against me and just caused unnecessary chaos in my world. I go through moments where I think, the hell with it, I'll write what I want to write, and then I think, why let "so and so" know my business, what I think, what I do, etc.? It's tough when you're on the internet and choose not to go private because you're open to new friendships and the serendipity that can come from a particular post. This is why I waver. I think you write in such a way where you can be known without actually being exposed. I don't know how you do it but you possess the gift...not just for writing but for art and you pierce the heart, provoke others to think and inspire. Thank you for being you, chica.

beth said...

well first i'm going to say thanks for being real and honest and secondly, shit....i wish you weren't feeling the way you're feeling.

i agree with you in thinking we should be able to handle anything that comes our way...especially the way we feel and how our brain processes things, but i am a loser, a total loser when it comes to that.

i know my hubby is working hard for US, but yet i'm selfish and want him home more often with me and his phone put away. we are always fighting about those things. always.

my brain is fine and i should see and understand and lower my expectations, but instead i whine and complain and bitch about it.....arrghhhhh

anywho, enough about me and my issues. take care of YOU and let us know when you're feeling better.

thank god you and your hubby are such a great team working together on simplifying !!!
xo

Jeanne said...

I can so relate to this post! Life can be so complicated and full of unrest at times (usually more often than not!). And it is the rare person who can go through Life without feathers being ruffled. But simplifying and not succumbing to the pressures of a society are the best ways to start really LIVING Life. It may not be a quick easy process but it will be one that is very worthwhile.
Hubby & I are slowly readjusting our lifestyle to one which is simpler and more enjoyable. Not an easy thing to do at times. :0)
And I do find it very refreshing to visit the blog of a very 'real' someone! :0) Thank you!

Zena said...

Life can be complicated but our attitude depend on us. However, we have to learn that and it´s not easy in particular when we live according preconceived ideas about how life should be which obviously are feeded by current social speeches.

A perfectionist myself, I have had to deal with this tendencies all my life, but in a given moment I understood that I needed to stop suffering so I started to let go expectations, to trust my inner self, to heal my wounds and cultivate serenity.

This has not been easy, but now I feel much better and much happier. Take care my dear friend and do all those things you feel that could help you to be quiter xx