Wednesday, December 26, 2012

it only hurts because you care

Almost done with the butterfly postcard series

Do you ever encounter people who will say the darndest things to you without any regard for your feelings? Well, I had that moment last night. It is not the first time I encounter people who have no restraint on what comes out of their mouth, but what has changed is how I react to them.


The person is a family member, so I can't just avoid them and sometimes confrontation is not the best option. I have driven myself crazy, in the past, replaying the tape over and over again in my head thinking about all the things I could have said, but didn't. And then I realized that sometimes "not to care" is the best option, when someone says something hurtful.


It is a liberating feeling. It reminds me of when I was 5 and would ask my mom to take my baby bottle to school. My mom would ask me if I didn't care that other kids would make fun of me. I would say to her that I didn't care. Kids did make fun of me, but I got what I wanted. The teacher would let me lie down in the nap area and have my baby bottle during break time. The kids would stop making fun and I guess they just wondered how I got to enjoy lying down in the nap area with my baby bottle, while they sat down and dreamed of their baby bottle.

54 comments:

Kalei's Best Friend said...

I have noticed that people don't think before they speak.. nowadays, I've come across most who just think of themselves without regards to others. My daughter is out of a job and is constantly looking for jobs or interviews in her field.. the other night my SIL and BIL asked her what else she was doing besides looking for a job..,,.they should talk, my SIL has been out of work for over 4 years and her hubby just was retired... word of warning- employers seems to start letting go sr. employees in their 60's... I've known too many who get package deals to leave.. I wish my BIL and SIL stfu.... pardon my French.

Em said...

I have gone through this very recently, not long ago. (Which is redundant, but I'm gonna let it stand.)

I think it depends on what the person is saying. If they have taken a deep insecurity and are using that, it is not easy not to care.

Those insecurities get me every time.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

All too often, relatives are a pain in the ass. There, I said it.

Cristiane Marino said...

Oi Ana,

Obrigada pelo carinho lá no blog.
Sei bem como é essa situação, a gente se sente tão desconfortável, a pessoa passa como um trator e nem percebe o estrago que fez...
A melhor saída é não dar importância, não vale à pena. A vida passa rápido demais para desperdiçarmos nosso precioso tempo, melhor reservar sua energia para fazer coisas maravilhosas como essa pintura.
Sua borboleta está deslumbrante!
Bjs e Feliz 2013

Daniela said...

Sorry you had to go through a unpleasant moment. I admire the way you handle the situation but even more when you were 5 years old! I do agree that the best option is "not to care" and let it go! :)

irene @ inspiration from the little things said...

i struggle with that a lot... i mean not being able to ignore when a person says something hurtful (most especially if that person is a family member). i need to learn to change the way i react to such situations because i know i cannot change them and i can only change me.

your art is beautiful, Ana! :-)

Tammie Lee said...

how wonderful that at a young age you honored what you wanted, your bottle over what other people thought.

how wonderful that the young wisdom you had is returning to you.

sometimes people don't think about what they say and sometimes we misunderstand and take things personally. yet almost always... what a person says is a reflection of themselves.

not caring is wonderful. i will try and remember that.

your art is so lovely and alive, such a beautiful splash of color amongst my snowy world.

gigihawaii said...

I wish it were that simple. I still hurt when I remember things people have said to me over the years. In my case, I CAN avoid these people since I am retired and own my own home and can refuse to speak to certain people. Thank goodness for that!

turquoisemoon said...

My sister has always said hurtful things to me. I love her so much and, deep down I know how fragile she is, so I just let her comments slide. It's just her own insecurities and must make her feel good? or maybe even a tad superior? I don't know...

Riot Kitty said...

You were a very brave 5-year-old. I have a couple of family members who always do this and don't mean to, they just can't help what flies out of their mouths.

Sulky Kitten said...

It's because they're "family" that they think they can say whatever they like. I can be very sarcastic, so my relatives tend to back off. The next time they make an unpleasant remark to you, just ask them if they're being rude deliberately or whether they're trying to showcase their ignorance. Grrr...

Red Shoes said...

I am sorry that you experienced this, Ana. I think it's part of what is wrong with Society today...

People are mean... people are more rude. People lash out at things that, at best, are none of their business.

I have become better at addressing these things when they happen.

~shoes~

bohemiannie! art said...

I read this quote earlier today and thought of it after reading your post. It might somehow apply.

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours. It is an amazing journey and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.

Kyra said...

I've struggled with this my whole life, and you're right - the best solution is not to care. I only wish I could make myself not care. Unfortunately, I care far too much. I've been married for over 17 years and my inlaws have hated me from the moment they met me (even before I was dating their son) and it's been the sort of vicious thing out of a movie. The solution is to not care, the problem is in getting to that point and truly letting go of what someone else thinks of you (most especially if you disagree!)

*hugs* to you!

Hwee said...

Some people just lack tact. But we always have a choice on how we respond, or even whether we want to respond. Life is too short to let every negative person dampen our mood, but I know what you mean. Glad you've figured a sensible way out. :-)

Happy Homemaker UK said...

You can pick your friends, but not your family. It sounds like you handled it really well. Love the baby bottle story - I bet you're right - they wanted the courage to bring one too.

JJ said...

Those comments happen to me all the time. You are correct. It's all in how you handle them. I am now your newest follower, and I invite you to follow me as well.

Ileana said...

There will always be those that have something negative to say and they are almost gifted with malice, I think. The most we can do is let it slide (que nox revale como mantequilla, as they say). It stings for a moment but not for long. Mastering your reaction is a greater gift. I'm glad you have it, amiga.

Loulou said...

Sometimes I find myself going through times during which I am hyper aware of everything I've said to people, hoping beyond hope that I didn't say something hurtful. But if I did, I hope they would just 'not care' and understand that I still loved them. That is precisely what I shall be doing following the hurtful earful I got the other day too!

That said, it is really really hard not to care sometimes. Anyway, I hope you're ok, because no matter what, hearing mean things is never fun.

Createology said...

Life is certainly interesting. If only we could all learn not to let the unpleasant stuff affect us we would be so much happier and productive. You are wise to not care and let it go. Blessings with Peace and Joy all of 2013...

Plowing Through Life (Martha) said...

Are you my alter ego, Ana? I visited family and friends in Montreal these past two days, and I have such a family member that I cannot name. Or never see. I swear, some people need a filter on their mouth because they have no tact - or common sense. And I also used to make myself sick by what these people say. Now I just don't care.

india flint said...

when things like that happen i try to remember the advice of cartoonist/poet Michael Leunig
..."study the ways of the duck"...

Kathy, PaperPumpkin said...

I read this post earlier, left a comment, it disappeared...so I thought about it longer. First, thank you for visiting! I am happy for my Mom and our family, and then I am excited about Art Journaling Magazine, too, Ana! You are so sweet. Now, your sensitive post. When I was thirteen yrs old, my father said to me, " I hope that life doesn't hurt you too much. I worry because you are so sensitive." i don't think I understood yet what he saw. But as I grew older, boy did I figure it out! I always wear my heart out on my sleeve and I care SO much. I worry, I am hard on myself, and I really care what people think.i want everyone to be happy and to be loved. I want everyone to get along. I can't watch movies where people get very hurt... The news upsets me deeply. But, I have learned to let somethings roll off of me when I can't change them. I think it has taken me a very long time...So, there is one person in every family who says or does hurtful things and just doesn't GET it. I am truly happy for you, that you have made a conscious decision to let this family member's insensitive comment roll off of you in order for you to keep your own peace. Bravo! You've learned at a young age! I admire your way of thinking, always. And, I can tell that we are both introverts! Now let's see...how many days til our birthday...and how will we celebrate?!! ~ kathy. PS. My sister-in-law's cousin told her insensitive mother-in-law " you are disturbing my peace".

Cloudia said...

consider the source!

Friendly Aloha from Honolulu,
Comfort Spiral
~ > < } } ( ° >
> < } } ( ° >
> < 3 3 3 ( ' >

bellalullo said...

Amo il tuo modo luminoso di cercare te stessa attraverso gli acquerelli, l'arte , l'espressione.
Mi piace come parli con te stessa ogni giorno, e come ti dai le risposte e come racconti della tua vita interiore...
Buone feste e a presto
Bellalullo

La La Land said...

I know what you mean. For me, the "don't care" is replaced with a "no reaction" and "total silence". I mean, I am hurt inside but my best reaction is "total silence", no reaction, no retaliation...I am a highly sensitive person and this works best for me unless of course a person becomes too irritating..then I just excuse myself and leave the place saying " I have some important tasks to attend to, see you/call you later:))

Almu said...

Hello, Ana,
Just a short Thank you! for passing by my little space. Wellcome there!
You have an interesting blog, this is not the last time I come here. Thanks for sharing!

NatashaMay said...

Our whole lives are just perceptions. It's really up to you if something makes you happy or sad. Sweet and bright painting! Love it! Happy Holidays! :)

missy k said...

Thank you for visiting!

I've loved reading your blog... I'm a new follower too.

It makes me happy to think of you knowing so well what you needed when you were just five...

It's not easy to 'not care' .... sometimes people want to bring you down to their level by making you say things in return that really aren't you at all. I approve of the 'you are disturbing my peace' approach!!!! Good luck!

Karen x

Sherri B. said...

People like this are such a challenge...with time, I have learned to remind myself that their thoughtlessness reflects only on them and not on me. It's their shortcoming to deal with and not my responsibility to take it on internally. Your baby bottle story was so sweet...you had such gumption and courage, even when you were tiny!

Jess said...

Dear Ana, this has happened to me over christmas too, when someone hurt my feelings and upset me. When it happens it hurts but then I turn to myself and think of something I might have said in the past that could have hurt someone unwittingly. I would be so upset if I had hurt someone. My person in question who has hurt me perhaps doesn't know the damage that was caused by the remarks. I hope that if I ever said something hurtful that I would be told so I can put it right. This is quite often a volatile time of year when people think it's ok to say what they like without thought.
Lots of ((hugs)) to you. :)
Jess x

Francie M said...

Having been ostracized from my family who live in this area for the last two years I can understand. I don't know that I will ever be able to 'not care' but at least this yeat the depression lifted and I was able to enjoy the holidays with friends. Sometimes family is the worst!!

Nadia said...

You can't change the other person, but only the way you act youreself. Sometimes its best to leave it that way and say nothing and sometimes you have to drop the bomb. Or remind that person about it later. Love the colours you used in this one. So bright and shiny like a summer breeze...
Send you a very big hug!

Jen Price said...

We definitely have the power to control our reactions.

AntiquityTravelers said...

I can so relate to this. It is a wonder sometimes (at least to me) how I could grow up in a household and be so different from one of those people? But I find that trying to change the opinion isn't very helpful. the person is not open to discussion, and only ends in hurt feelings all around. Letting go of the whole thing ends up far more peaceful. Sadly. but it just is

Jenny said...

Good on you Ana... I, too, have taken the same approach with a similar experience I have with a family member... your painting is vibrant and gorgeous... love the colors...

Jenny ♥

~Lavender Dreamer~ said...

I sure wish I could take this advice. I would just love to 'not care' about some of the hurtful things said to me. You're a sweetheart to share your feelings, my friend! I admire you!

The Purple Assassin. said...

Amazing Post.

It doesn't really matter what others think. At the end of the day, who are we to confront?
Self..right? then, who gives a s*it?


Nevermind.
Take Care :)

Martha Lever said...

That's the hardest response of all--no response. I understand about the replay in the mind. Good for you for accomplishing it!
Have you seen this?
http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/about-the-book/
I thought it was good.
Happy New Year

Lynn Fisher said...

I SO understand! And from relatives it is even worse because you can't tell them off. I had an aunt who used to say that I looked nice for a "larger" girl (!) I mean really! Just don't say anything if you think I'm a whale (her kids are the teensiest people ever, and I am just normal! )
So , yes, roll with it!
Lynn

Lynn Fisher said...

I think my comment disappeared...oh well : )
You go Ana!
Lynn

Sherry said...

Your painting is beautiful, so free.

It's hard not to care when someone says something hurtful, but as you get older it does hurt less I find.

Your story about your baby bottle is so cute it did make me smile!

Happy New Year to you xx

Sofia said...

Beautiful butterfly painting, Ana! Maturity is what it is called to be independent of what others think or say emotionally and still be positive towards them.

Lynn Fisher said...

Ana, thank you for the heads-up about my site. I removed that site you told me about from my blog roll and notified the admin of that site. Hopefully I won't have to move : )
Lynn

Elizabeth Rose Stanton said...

I hope your pretty butterflies helped you feel better. Art can be very helpful that way, don't you think?

Teddi said...

ana, your painting is lovely! how brave of you to listen to what you want instead of caring about other's opinions. :)

Floral Blossoms said...

I'll need to remember this bit of advice the next time I receive an unkind comment.

:.tossan® said...

Belas Artes!
Feliz 2013. Um abraço especial de Boas Festas.

Michaela said...

sometimes it's better not to care, but somehow, when family is involved, not caring is hard.. at least for me.. wish you a Happy New Year!

Zena said...

Wonderful art, Ana. I could have writen the first part of this post, in particular all things related to "replaying the tape". "Not to care" is the best option but sometimes in order to reach that attitude I need to be assertive (something that I don´t find always easy because I don´t like confrontations) and speak my mind in order to achieve some peace

Zena said...

Wonderful art, Ana. I could have writen the first part of this post, in particular all things related to "replaying the tape". "Not to care" is the best option but sometimes in order to reach that attitude I need to be assertive (something that I don´t find always easy because I don´t like confrontations) and speak my mind in order to achieve some peace

geetlee said...

Gosh, not caring is so hard to do sometimes! It is liberating though :)
Love your story about the baby bottle.
xo

Moustaches said...

I just want to wish you Happy New Year, dear! http://moustachesblog.blogspot.it/2012/12/happy-new-lucky-year.html

Splendid Little Stars said...

great story!
yes, sometimes truly not caring IS the best option.