Tuesday, June 19, 2012

In the desert...

Haitian Market

As I get older, I ask myself what's real important in my life. I have always been a pleaser and a savior. Until I found out being a pleaser and savior does not translate into being a good person. It translates into being a co-dependent. Every time I did not jump and solved someone's problems for them, I was ridded with guilt.

I still do. I still feel that those around me need to have their needs catered to them and I am the one who needs to provide them with that.  It's always the same cycle: I take on and on and on, until I can't take no more and then I explode. I find hard saying no and I worry way too much about other people's opinions. I want it to stop...

I apologize for the pity party. It's been a trying few days.


30 comments:

Debra said...

Oh Ana, that Haitian Market! Love the bold colors; love the lively spirit behind it.
This is no pity party. This is reality. Being a pleaser and a savoir does not translate to being a good person. You’re an artist. You have a call. This is why you struggle. Your time is valuable.
It took me the longest time to be ok with boundaries. We can’t do it all. Some things seem right while they are life sapping. To be more specific, I’ve had to forego time spent socializing with friends who I learned were takers. I was the giver, they mooched off me. Enough already!
It takes awhile to overcome the guilt that ensues from others’ demands. Sometimes it takes a long time.

Here's my FB link.
http://www.facebook.com/debra.elramey

Introverted Art said...

oh Debra, your words are so true. I have to learn that as well, to rid myself from the moochers and to set boundaries.

turquoisemoon said...

Ana...Sounds like boundary issues to me too. The only person you can work on is you. Even in my lojong practice, they say to not worry about other people, meaning start with yourself. I'm a Buddhist, so meditation is primary in my life. It settles me for the day. I've learned to see things as they really are, rather than apply some story to it...and as far as "guilt"...that is definitely not living in the present. Maybe starting your day in quiet prayer, or meditation (you don't have to be Buddhist to meditate) will guide your thoughts with regards to resolve...you resolve to help and be content that you have helped, or you resolve to not and are content with saying "no"... It's taken me many years to get this, so don't be too critical of yourself. And, that is a very cool painting...you are very talented!

Victoria said...

Hi kindred..wowness..gorgeous art..what a vibrant and blissful piece..very striking and poetic!Love it!!
Flow your spirit and energy in the direction of your inner harmony..nourishing your own heart and needs..value your own beautiful essence......and any extra energy you may have or wish to offer..let it flow in divine measure! There are some out there..who will take and take..and they simply move on to someone else when you turn them away! Don't ever feel guilty for honoring your own needs..I had to learn this over and over..till I got it!
HUgs..
victoria

Plowing Through Life (Martha) said...

That is beautiful art, Ana. As for your post, I so understand this. Every time you write things, I see myself. But mostly in the past. I don't know how old you are but I didn't start carving serious boundary lines until some time in my 30s. Setting boundaries does not make you selfish. You must define your space in order to live your life the way it makes you happy, and when people have a problem with it, tell yourself that it's THEIR issue to deal with, not yours. You can't save the world or take on everyone's burdens as your own. You'll burn out. And being a constant pleaser just opens the door to people taking advantage of your good nature. This takes time to change, so don't be so hard on yourself. One step at a time and you'll get there.

Buttons said...

Oh I think this is something most women seem to deal with in their lives. I must say turning 50 and now almost 60 makes it easier to just say no. I am so happy to be this age it is so much easier now to say that word NO.OK not to everyone but a lot of people:)
This does not sound like a pity party but a cry for a change.You have to think of yourself sometimes. Take care it does get easier. Hugs B

Introverted Art said...

I wanted to thank you all wonderful ladies for all the support and amazing comments. I find you all to be these wonderful, kindred souls that I feel lucky to have "found."

I will try meditation. In reality, my hubby and I have been talking about going to our local Buddhist Center for a couple of months and attend the meditation classes they offer. It would most likely help the cacophony that goes on in my head sometimes.

Martha, I am 35.. sometimes going on 100 and sometimes going on15 :-) I hope I follow in your footsteps and learn the lessons you have learned.

Victoria, you are so right. Channeling energy effectively is vital to harmony of the soul. I think I need a nature retreat ;-)

Introverted Art said...

Buttons, my hero is Maxine (you know that cartoon lady who says the Darndest Things?!) I hope to grow to be a woman full of wisdom and courage :)

lucia m said...

wow! so gorgoeus!

xx

www.aroundlucia.com
www.aroundlucia.com

Milynn luong said...

Oh I know what you mean! I have a terrible time saying no to people. I don't mind doing favors, I love being able to help a friend in need, but it does become taxing. I found myself doing more for people and not receiving the favor in return. I eventually learned to say no and thankfully there were no feelings hurt. When you are honest, some people really understand!

Marie said...

One of the best lessons I've learned in life is that the only life you can impact is your own. Hard lesson, lots of trying times....

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Oh yeah, I understand what that's like. Have you ever read Melody Beattie's books about co-dependence? I found them very helpful. The most important thing I ever learned is that people don't thank you for rescuing them -- they just use you and move on to the next one.

Lois said...

I remember after my friend would leave and I'd be on the sofa unable to move for days. But I also remember leaving a friend on the sofa and only later realizing that I was her crazy-maker. I learned from that. Be Well! L

Melissa Kojima said...

Well, the first step to changing anything is to be able to see it and you do see. Just keep observing it. The more you see it, the more you'll be able to let go. Don't force it, just see it. Love the Haitian Market painting. Wonderful!

Manda said...

I'm the same way :/ But, I think it's just because we have big hearts. :)

In answer to your questions: I think you can get Cupcake Wine at any Liquor store. :)
Eat Cake

geetlee said...

Sending you big hugs, I understand what you mean. It can be tough but you will find your way through. You are wise, you are strong. xo

La Dolce Vita said...

Such a vibrant picture ! It speaks to me.
As I am getting older, I have stopped doing anything that does not come straight from my heart.
People in the family/society has a tendency to put us in a guilt trap if we are not careful. Society generally " demands far more than it deserves "
without thinking whether the individual can fulfill those demands or not.
Peace of mind is the most important thing, I believe and after I stopped "giving in to those demands" I got peace of mind. Although initially it was hard as people are "not used to" receiving 'no' for an answer.
By distancing myself somewhat from a demanding society, I am finally getting time to be more of myself, concentrating on doing things I love and not to mention, getting peace of mind !!!
I loved reading your post.
Have nice day !

Selene said...

love your blog! thank you...

Creatively yours Fi said...

Love your picture Ana...beautiful! I love Debra's response..."you are an artist, you have a call, your time is valuable", ....and turquoise moon's response on meditation...So Good...what a fabulous community this is of "artful bloggers" :)Thanks for sharing Ana
Fi x

Sulky Kitten said...

Beautiful artwork, you're very talented.It's so hard when you want to help others but then get overwhelmed by their demands and needs. I no longer jump to "fix" everything for everybody. It was a thankless task, and wore me out. Now I offer advice if it's asked for and help in genuine cases. Draw your line in the sand and gradually you will train yourself not to let others step over it. So many people are just selfish Takers, only you can stop them from steamrolling over your life. It's hard, but you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner!x

NatashaMay said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You have the power to stop it. :)

Lynn Fisher said...

Beautiful Haitian Market.
I used to do the non-reciprical friend thing myself in younger years...not any more! : )
Take care.

Jenny said...

Beautiful, beautiful painting Ana... your artwork is divine... so know where you are coming from... I am only finding now about stepping back... realizing we are not here to save anyone... I help if needed... but no longer take on the problems of others... but it has taken me a long time to get to this point... good on you... for taking the time to contemplate change...

Hugs
Jenny x

Francie said...

Fabulous picture and I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said. I was the same and eventually just imploded. Took a long time to accept not everybody wanted saving and it didn't matter because I was sucked dry anyway. Ha! Best wishes and thoughts to you!

ArtSings1946 said...

I found you via a comment you left on my blog and was this meant to be. I am a recovering co-dependent also ... I struggle with it each and every day, but at least I am "aware" now and can write my affirmations and try to let go of my worrisome thoughts and turn my thinking to the positive. Now,I have to tell you that during my darkest times I was so fortunate to have found a wonderful counselor ... she helped put be on the road of recovery and ever since I read the daily affirmations from "The Language Of Letting To" by Melody Beattie. I highly recommend this book and you could take a peek at it I expect from your local library.

And, I just wanted to let you know that I love your art ... art is so good for the spirit.

Much Happiness to you and All !

Sherri B. said...

I completely relate...I have always been a people pleaser and it's very hard to let that go. I hope your days are going better - as I see from all your responses, you are not alone in these feelings! Is that your painting? It's lovely...

Michelle said...

I understand this well. It took me years to learn how to say no...and even longer to start carving away some time every day for myself. Wishing you a no stress and guilt free day.

Natasha said...

First of all, don't apologize. Ok don't do what I say to please me LOL BE YOU! YOU are you here - when you are sharing your gorgeous heart. YOU have such wisdom in you and as a recovering perfectionistic people pleasing hider of who I am I have to tell you that its SOOOOOOO great to see you just be you here and share. We ALL struggle with issues like this but when we start to share and talk that's when changes is born. YOU are changing. Embrace that!

~Lavender Dreamer~ said...

I think as women, we always seek to find balance. But it starts making sense...when you get older! I love the beautiful art, too!

Zena said...

I understand. Most of my healing journey has to do with this. My early experiences made me that way, I had to take care of many adults when I was just a little girl most of them with severe personal problems. Even when I developed an independent life, I had the need to keep on doing it. But years ago I become aware of my attitudes and the impact they were having on my life. I was not happy being a pleaser and a savior, I was angry, sad and lost.

It was a matter of boundaries and many other things but I found some balance as soon as I understood that I have to move from outside appreciation, to inner appreciation. Then I had to work a lot more, but this was a meaningful turning point. Take care. PS Beautiful art