Tuesday, July 23, 2013

When friendship means different things to different people



I am not sure how introverts see friendship. I would say that because we are more reserved and our "real" friends are generally few, we do see friendship in a different way.

I don't know about you, but friendship to me is something I am careful about. Friendship to me is also pretty much a forever commitment. The ones I call friend have been my friends always no matter how far we are or how rare we talk. Time is of no importance.

My best friend lives overseas and we see each other very rarely now, but when we see each other nothing has changed. 


So it is surprising to me, how feeble people can be about how they see friendships. The word seems to be thrown around so easily that it has become cheap. And apparently friendship etiquette is something we don't all agree on.

I recently went through something that has left me wondering in what planet I live. I made friends with this guy at my old job. Before I left that job, he made this huge deal about staying friends "forever" and going on a double date with my hubby and his wife.


I tried to get together with him a couple of times for lunch and he was never available. I even asked if I had done something to upset him and he said no, just crazy at work. Then, I realized I had also been unfriended on Facebook. And I asked why. The reply was "I am in a meeting, call you later." And that was the last of it.

I just let it go because although I seem to be a bit "dramatic" about things, the last thing I want to be labeled is a stalker, but it got me thinking about what is acceptable in friendships and in relationships today. 

Back in my day, relationships were made, broken, mended through conversation. I guess an update on your FB status has become the way. Apparently, I didn't get the memo.

38 comments:

MeOfCourse said...

There is always strange behavior on the net. Sorry about you losing a friend. I don't have many friends as I am choosey.:) Have a wonderful week.
gloria

MeOfCourse said...

There is always strange behavior on the net. Sorry about you losing a friend. I don't have many friends as I am choosey.:) Have a wonderful week.
gloria

Kathy, PaperPumpkin said...

Oh! Unfriended on Facebook? Sounds harsh. Especially with someone kind, like you. I'm sorry, Ana.I take friendships very seriously, and I take rejection VERY hard. I have been having an absolutely terrible time lately...a friend of 22 years just doesn't communicate with me anymore. I have been so sad. I don't understand...yet. I know I take everything hard because I'm too sensitive (I've been told) but... Where do love and friendship go? Is there Forever? PS. It seems that several of my emails have not been received...from my IPad. I have to wonder where they went...?

Jeanie said...

That had to be very hurtful -- not to have an explanation or anything. Even if he said "My wife doesn't want to" -- it might be sad, but it would be a reason. The unfriending thing? That's a really low cut.

Like you, I try hard to hold onto my friendships. Some do fade with time. But the real ones last and last forever. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's not you -- there's something going on with him. Forgive and move on.

Plowing Through Life (Martha) said...

I understand what you're saying completely, and I guess I didn't get the memo either. This new world is very confusing to me at times. I don't think you did anything wrong, Ana; this is his issue, not yours. And the fact that he can't be honest about what's bugging him is quite cowardly. If he is upset with you, the mature thing to do is be honest. Not hide behind a computer screen. Let it go. There are more important things in life.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Sometimes people are just insincere bullshitters. And it's as simple as that, LOL!

turquoisemoon said...

FB makes me crazy... I understand. I've had some friends since my boys, who are now adults, were in grade school. We may go months without talking, then when we finally get around to catching up, it's like we were never apart. I've also made some new friends??? they are so strange, I hate to really call them friends. If we don't talk several times a week, they're hurt...sheesh!!! I need lots of alone time and they don't get it...don't like it...and are hurt by it. I will probably have to let these "friends" go... You will have to let this fella go also! He sounds strange and like Martha said, "There are more important things in life."

Almost Precious said...

People come and go in our lives. Some are there for a very short time while others are with us for, well for as long as we or they live.

I feel your confusion about your "friend" and could never understand why so many seem to feel that when another person is out of sight, they become out of mind too. I had several "friends" when I lived in California, then when we moved away to live on the island of Trinidad, in the West Indies, they quickly disappeared. I wrote to them, sent them post cards, Christmas cards and yet year after year I never heard a word back. Where they are now, I've no idea.
Friendship should be a two-way street but for many it is only about themselves and what's convenient for them.
True friends are rare and far more precious than gold or diamonds. :)

Terra said...

Friends are precious to me too, both old and new. I once read something about how some people are only sent in to our life for a time, and they only stay for that time. Somehow it makes me feel better to realize that and I hope it makes sense to you too.

Kyra Wilson said...

Just reading that made my stomach twist. Ugh. I see friends as precious too, and that there are very few people who can align correctly to really be friends in your life, so it's important to pay attention and invest in them when one comes along.

I am cautious, because I have been burned. More, I can't forget. I'm anxious and I worry that I did something wrong, etc. In this situation, it sounds like HE did something wrong, not you. You'll probably never know what his motivations were to start with, or his reasons to end, but chances are that they're entirely in his column and not yours.

I watch my daughter (who is 15) toss around the friend label, and I realize she really doesn't understand what a true friend is. Yet. I think things like Facebook has changed the meaning a lot, and people just have gone with the flow. But there are still many who value and cherish it.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that he was a mismatch, but you'll find some special ones to add to the ones you have, and they're worth 100 of the wrong ones. :)

Cloudia said...

People can be mystifying!



ALOHA from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral
~ > < } } ( ° >

foxysue said...

I have met people like the person you mention here, it is hard to think it because being reserved and sensitive we take friendship really seriously and loyalty is something we hold dear, but the truth is like Debra who Seeks says there are quite a few pretend-friends out there. I had a message to say "three friends had unfriended" me on FB, to be honest these days I could not care less, I won't be broken hearted over anyone. I have done my share of worrying over so called friends, the true ones come through and through like your long time friend.

gigihawaii said...

That's too bad about losing a friend. My friends come and go, also. For example, some people dropped me, after I married my husband. Don't know why and really don't care.

Ariel said...

Oh my goodness! I think I've told you this before, sometimes what I've in my mind, I see on your blog. Our thoughts travel in the same direction:)So many people make friend request on FB, from that I sift and select people who were /are dear to me, but whenever I try to make a conversation with them they 'pretend' to be busy or they just log off. I feel most of them just want to see how we're doing, any photos to see, etc,etc most of the old friendships lack any sort of sincerity now. Most friendships now are 'for the time being we're best friends'type and I prefer to be a loner among them, no matter what others think:)
Hugs
SusaN (Ana, just think that guy lost a good friend, it's just his loss:)

alteredstatesstudio said...

i was thinking that it would still by ok- that maybe he was "just busy" at work until i got to the FB thing...what the heck?! and how pathetic is he?...unfriended on FB? let's be more real and less fake. i am probably too guarded when it comes to making friends, but, with kids, life is busy so the few great friends i have- time does not matter; we simply pick up where we left off. and thank goodness for the real people in our lives!

Red Shoes said...

Being an introvert myself, I SO understand this post. I have had a very small universe of what I call real 'friends.' One doesn't move into that realm easily.

I have found that people are easily disposable today. What may have been assumed to be a reliable friend, may not in reality be reliable or a friend.

I have a theory about your friend, and his wanting to double date with you and your husband.

Unfriending people on FB? I've done it. It is normally because I get tired of political rants that spew from these people.

I hope you are having a wonderful day!

~shoes~

Sherri B. said...

As a fellow introvert, I completely get what you're saying...friendships (and their meanings) can be very confusing.

La Abela said...

My mom gave me some advice when I was a teenager and every day I remember his words, she said "You have a thousand friends throughout your life, but at the end of life will only need the fingers of one hand to count the friends who accompanied you always and will never leave you, try to discover and nurture them.
A kiss

Arkansas Patti said...

That is one reason I won't do face book. I find the process unfriending to be cruel and cowardly. If I have a problem with someone, I tell them, not just click a button.
The friends in my life are the ones I have held on to for eons or recently acquired. I have one friend from the second grade that lives in another state but we are still close. The important ones are where they need to be, in my life.
That guy has problems, not you.

Magic Love Crow said...

Forget about this ding dong! He is not worth it! I know it's easier said than done, because your mind will really think about things. Don't waist your energy! Be happy ;o)

Magic Love Crow said...

Happy to make you laugh ;o)

Riot Kitty said...

I'm like you. And my guess is he wanted to get in your pants and figured out you really just wanted to be friends. Sorry to say, but people can just be assholes.

Nadia said...

That is not nice at all. I take my friendships very seriously and I really hate when people have some sort of double agenda's. On the other hand, I take FB not to seriously because it's so easy to post something or like.
A real friendship is just like a relationship, you have to take care of it, but has to be like you wrote about it. Better to have one true friend than a 100 fake ones!!

Munir said...

I am not on Facebook so I am not aware of the instant like and dislike and friend and unfriend thing. However people say things that they do not mean a lot more than we think.
At my age I came to a conclusion that people promise things that they cannot deliver. It is possible that this double dating thing did not appeal to his wife. He could have just used the words "may be" or "I will check with my wife" instead of saying he wants to be friends for life without any concrete reason.

Francie M said...

Very strange but it isn't always a great thing for men and women to be friends. Could his wife have insisted he drop the friendship? I predict that you will find out what happened some time in the future.

CraveCute said...

Ouch, that must have stung! People are weird. I hope you do find out what happened, but you may not. Sometimes it's just best to let it go and move on.

Jess said...

I consider certain special people in my life friends even if I haven't seen them for ages. I wouldn't unfriend anyone, I wouldn't want to! I wish everyone felt the same as me but we're all different and I find that hard to understand even at my age!xx

poetlandia.com said...

well, as you know from my blog, there is an enormous amount of that going on in my life recently. I find it absolutely the weirdest thing ever. I do not get it. Because I'm like you.

I think alot of people are like that these days. It's weird.

LAUGH AN said...

Since I am a teen I care about friends true friendship come when you are loyal, when you can hear and be heard , when you can share all together bad and good things...when you see your friend and you've the feelings the life apart wasn't real...the only thing I want is to be near them sometimes and it's an hard feelings when your friend are abroad or in others cities in your own land I say that because I am an extravert, my friends count in my life like my family I have only 5 friends that I consider like my confident and intimate...when you say that you try to reach people and they have no time to you I got similar behavior by my friends...but I try to understand their life their priorities..:-)

LAUGH AN said...

Since I am a teen I care about friends true friendship come when you are loyal, when you can hear and be heard , when you can share all together bad and good things...when you see your friend and you've the feelings the life apart wasn't real...the only thing I want is to be near them sometimes and it's an hard feelings when your friend are abroad or in others cities in your own land I say that because I am an extravert, my friends count in my life like my family I have only 5 friends that I consider like my confident and intimate...when you say that you try to reach people and they have no time to you I got similar behavior by my friends...but I try to understand their life their priorities..:-)

LAUGH AN said...

PS I don't get My real friends on Facebook I love them in the real
Life...memories come from time we share together in real I use it only to reach people of e world to use languages :-)

:.tossan© said...

Ultimamente sinto que as relações com amigos é muito difícil e delicada.
Belíssimo trabalho. Abraço

Elena said...

Hugs sweet Ann. I'm like you, only have a few, very few, close friends. I'm baffled at how fast someone can toss on the label 'friend' but mean something different. While painful, I suspect you just dodged something that could have been more painful if the 'friendship' had continued. Don't despair, you're a wonderful person and will attract more wonder into your life.

bella said...

If there is one thig I've learned in my years on earth, it is that you just have no idea what is going on in anyone's life but your own. I used to be very judgmental of everything and everyone until the tables were turned on me and realized I had been so misunderstood for a very long time. Now I try to tell myself it is nothing personal, and move on.

Debra said...

Ana, I’ve missed you, your paintings, and your words. I’ve been absent from the blogosphere for the past several weeks – well, months. I stopped by here last night, but just to look at these beautiful flowers, which I’ve seen in my mind’s eye all day.

Here’s my FB link. Let’s stay in touch. https://www.facebook.com/debra.elramey

I’m working on a writing project and currently seeking contributions on the theme of forgiveness, and would love your input. It can be something you’ve already written, or something brand new.

It can be a favorite quote, a link, a poem, a story, or art… it matters not. Just share what you have with us. This blog post might even fit the theme.
http://debrasblogpureandsimple.blogspot.com/2013/07/forgive-or-die.html

LAUGH AN said...

Its to you :-) http://ecrireautrement.blogspot.com/2013/07/nor-darker-than-before.html

LAUGH AN said...

Its to you :-) http://ecrireautrement.blogspot.com/2013/07/nor-darker-than-before.html

Annette said...

Beautiful art my dear and sometimes I think it is the day and time we live in about people making friends. A lot are so stand offish and just don't want to get close at all. Hugs and have a great weekend. xo