Wednesday, May 30, 2012

About the Present



It is probably the fever that's making me delirious, but I keep finding myself pushed between past and future, never fully in the present. I am a worrier by nature. Although I like to look at the "glass half full", I also am a "hope for the best, brace for the worse" type of person. Also, I am constantly conjecturing about the value of reminiscing. If the future has not yet arrived and the past is gone, then why is it so hard to stay fully, consciously in the present?

Since I was little, I was a planner. I plan for everything. Even things that never come to fruition. And since I was little, I looked back in time for answers on why I found myself in certain situations. My future held all my plans and my past held all my answers. That until... until I read one of my journals and life didn't unfold exactly as I had planned. 

That one journal I read was filled with the tales of my first love. Ten years later, I still thought that had been a fairy tale romance. I read the journal in my own words. It was no fairy tale. I felt insecure, lied to and manipulated a lot of the time. Somehow, my imagination had changed what I thought was accurate memories. All of a sudden, to rely on the past became unreliable because some of my memories had been colored with the paints of my imagination. 

And the future? How many times have I not been completely surprised by what life brought my way? My husband, who is by far one of the most important people in my world, is a good example. When I was little, I used to think I would be married with 3 kids by the time I was 25... fast forward 10 years and I am not even sure I would make a good parent. 

Truth is that nothing remains but this feverish moment I have right now. The breath I took 2 minutes ago no longer exists and I may not have another breath 2 minutes from now.
"Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace."  ~Author Unknown






24 comments:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I've noticed that nobody's life turns out the way they expected. All we can do is hang on tight and enjoy the ride! Woo hoooooooooooo!

Shaharoh said...

Even though "right now" is where we should all aim to dwell mentally, physically and spiritually, there is something to be said about the relics of the past. I take comfort in knowing that my brain and thought processes will progress with age because when I glance into my old journals, I am reminded of how far I have actually come. I think of my future and understand that what I become, I'll become.

Anonymous said...

I think my previous comment was deleted:( Anyhow, there is something so special about reading one's journal. For me, although I cringe a lot, I am happy that my brain and progressed and have the proof in front of me. Living--being in the present is a life long struggle that I have to constantly remind myself of. But I believe that the past/present/future in a way are all happening at the same time so the best we can do is try to make sense of it and just live. --Shaharoh

Debra said...

Ana, this line jumped off the page...
My future held all my plans and my past held all my answers. The past really does hold the answers we need. In an interview yesterday, I talk about childhood memories being major clues to unlocking who we are, who we were meant to be, and who we are now.
Here it is. Do stop by and answer the question,

What has the experience of living out your purpose been like?
http://www.unstuckandunstoppable.com/2012/05/living-out-her-purpose-debra-elramey.html

La Dolce Vita said...

Ana, such a lovely and deep post.
Having read Eckhart Tolle's "Power of Now", I am practicing to be in the "now" although I drift between the past and future just like you.
Yet, I am "more" in the "now" now, compared to my earlier days, when I was "less" in the "now".
You are feeling feverish now. When a person has fever,she is more likely to lose the sense of "present" or the sense of "now" as the mind -body co-ordination breaks down to a certain extent.
When you will feel better, you can become more aware of the present.
I agree with you sometimes how our memory fails us. I used to think that my past was better unless I read one of my journals and found out that it was "actually" not better ! I am better now. Because I can see myself more clearly now, I can see my past and my future more clearly now, standing here, standing in the "now". Because I am more "aware" now and I will not let circumstances beyond my control to ruin me.
take care dear and get well soon !
love,
Sanghamitra

Ophelia said...

Such a beautiful post. Rings very true for me. Thanks so much for aharing your thoughts!

Natasha said...

You are such a beautiful soul. I love the way you bring yourself into the present moment by using the past and the future together in your journal. You are present right now as you look at your life through this fever. In our society we are not asked to look at the now and love it - we are asked to think about how good we would look if we bought that car tomorrow or how we could recapture youth or the memory of in a can of soda. But YOU are stepping out of that mainstream and living right now and that inspires me. It makes me want to stop and look around and understand and give thanks for this moment. I'm very thankful for the moment I got to read your words and thankful for the thoughts swirling in my mind now in the present on account of it. Please rest and feel better :)

geetlee said...

Hi Ana,
Wow! I can identify so much with what you wrote!A lot of food for thought for me
xo

Plowing Through Life (Martha) said...

Sometimes life just has different plans for us. The best we can do is go with the flow, and like Debra says "hang on tight and enjoy the ride". Every breath we take is a miracle in itself. It means we're still here.

Jane said...

An intriguing, thought-provoking post. I really don't think we can 'plan' our lives - s#!t happens - and combine that with the fact that we are constantly in metamorphosis - who knows what tomorrow will bring, let alone the next twenty! I have noticed that every ten years or so, my outlook on life - what's important to me - even down to what kind of clothing I wear and colours I like - changes. I love that you're an unabashed introvert - I really enjoyed Martha's post today :)

Kathy, PaperPumpkin said...

I have changed so much over the years, that when I look back, I don't think my answers are in my past...at least, I don't "feel" that. I used to be a real planner, but when the rug got pulled right out from under me, I tossed my best laid plans...and here I am. I know more and I know less.

Beth said...

Thanks so much for stopping by my blog, Ana---I appreciate your comment.

I think it's great that you have the journals from years past. It's fascinating, I think, to have a glimpse into who we were years ago and to see how far we've come. I didn't keep journals, but I did write poems from the time I was very young, and I find it intriguing (and sometimes painful) to read poems I wrote when I was a teenager. Sometimes I feel very affectionate towards the teenager that I was---very motherly and forgiving of my immaturity and cluelessness.

Jo said...

My life has definitely not panned out the way it hoped but... That's ok. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Ana!

alteredstatesstudio said...

i love your writing voice...lovely, honest, truthful. thank you so much for leaving that first comment so i would venture to see who this soul was! i'm scared to write- mainly because of what i might write and have to read later; especially when i was younger. i have matured enough to be comfortable in my own skin and who i am now- good, bad, or otherwise. comfortable enough to finally write now. but, wow...life is never quite as it may be.

Jo said...

So interesting to read this. It's so true about staying conscious in the present. I find I spend a ridiculous amount of time either thinking back to free days of my teens, or wondering what will happen in the next ten years. I find it an almost impossible task to stay in the present. It's a skill I wish I had, I do believe it would reduce stress and make me feel more fulfilled. As always, a great thought provoking post!

Arkansas Patti said...

So sorry you are still puny. Hope that will be come a part of history soon. Hadn't thought about it before but you are right that we tend to color our past. One reason I don't trust history accounts that much.

Scarlet said...

"The breath I took 2 minutes ago no longer exists and I may not have another breath 2 minutes from now." LOVE that...and your honest post. You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself and there is so much peace to be found by what you've learned in life. Thanks for sharing.

Introverted Art said...

Patti, it is so interesting you brought up history books to the conversation. I remember the first time I read a history book written by another country... A lot of the things I had learned in school were told completely different or with a new perspective from what I had learned. Really shocking at first and then, liberating.

Introverted Art said...

Patti, it is so interesting you brought up history books to the conversation. I remember the first time I read a history book written by another country... A lot of the things I had learned in school were told completely different or with a new perspective from what I had learned. Really shocking at first and then, liberating.

Dipa said...

I read this somewhere life is what happens when v r busy planning..how true ain't it?

Dont worry about what future holds for u,let go off whatever u have held in past..enjoy d present phase n live in every breath u take:)

Good read,u have written it beautifully.

Thanks for visting scrabble:-)

Dipa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cookievf said...

Enjoyed reading this very much ~ so beautifully spoken and shared.

And I'm so happy that you popped by for a visit, just sorry that the post you inspired wasn't up yet. (it is, now)

I'll be back, for sure!
~ vicki xo

Sherri B. said...

We are kindred spirits, I think - I, too, am a worrier and a planner. You express so beautifully things that I completely relate to!

The Roof said...

beautiful post! I just started following your blog and I love it!
This is something I've been thinking a lot lately too. I've been starting to realize that life may be too short, and I need to stop thinking about the past, or be consumed with worry for the future, and just start living in the moment, being present, being happy and content.
I know it's easier said than done, but either way, I'm starting to thinking about life more and more, and this post really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing!